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On a scale from one to ten, how did screen time go for your family last year? Ten being “couldn’t be better!” and one being “I can’t get my child off the phone!” Kids and teens aren’t the only ones struggling with too much screen time. Parents and grandparents alike find themselves scrolling, watching and clicking for hours.
The new year is the perfect time to honestly evaluate your family’s screen time and make simple, yet powerful improvements. If you don’t have a plan for your technology, Silicon Valley has a plan for — and it’s not noble or helpful for your child’s spiritual or physical development. The tech industry wants you and your children to spend as much time as possible glued to a device. Addictive tech like video games and social media have no stopping points, reward low effort and give children a false sense of accomplishment. AI chatbots are a new clear and present danger to flourishing human relationships.
If you haven’t given your children personal devices, social media or video games, stay strong. I’ve never met anyone who regretted delaying smartphones and social media until high school or later (which is the recommendation of social psychologist Jonathan Haidt in his book The Anxious Generation). Delay is the way. If your child asks you to play a mature video game this year, delay. If your child asks for a phone, delay. If your child asks to get on TikTok, delay.
Setting Limits
Maybe your children already have a phone, social media and/or video games and you are wondering how to set healthier limits. Here are a few ideas for you this year:
1. Make your child’s bedroom a digital free zone. Don’t allow screens in your child’s room. Collect all devices such as phones and tablets at nighttime for safekeeping. Set a time (perhaps 8:00 p.m.), to gather up all portable electronics. Be purposeful to do this for one month. After that amount of time, it should become an automatic habit that is easy for the whole family to perform.
2. No phones or screens allowed during mealtimes. Family mealtime is a powerful opportunity to regularly connect emotionally with your child. Don’t allow digital distractions like answering a text or watching a television show in the background rob your family of this quality time. If your child is in school, they are probably spending more hours a day away from you than with you. With limited time each day, mealtime with your family becomes even more important.
3. Car rides are for conversation, not for ear buds, YouTube or video games. How many times have you seen parents in the front seat of a car and children in the backseat either watching a screen or using ear buds? That commute is a gift — time alone with your child in a busy world — don’t waste it by letting your children zone out with their devices. Use your drive to talk about the day. Or you can turn your car into a mobile university by listening to audiobooks or podcasts together that would be a positive influence and provide a basis for more conversation.
4. Schedule non-screen activities for your child’s free time. Every day a child ought to engage in healthy activities such as playing, reading, homework, conversation and physical activity. If your child doesn’t participate in a sport, make sure to set aside time for outdoor play. Insist upon a daily reading time and offer your child interesting titles from the library for variety. Encourage play time by placing board games and toys on shelves your kids can reach themselves. Children develop better with a schedule that helps them know what to expect each day. If they can get in the daily routine of reading, doing homework, playing and exercising, then screen time can be scheduled in to become a part of their life, but not the focus.
Evaluating Content, Making Changes
Many times, it’s necessary to go against the grain to protect your family’s values. Don’t cave to peer pressure or allow a fear of offending someone to affect the decisions you make. Instead, have set guidelines that help you make decisions every day. For example, you can evaluate your child’s screen time with these easy ABC’s:
– Attitude: What is my child’s attitude like after the screen time?
– Behavior: How does the content my child consumes encourage them to behave?
– Character: What character traits are being modeled and picked up?
Take a moment right now to evaluate your child’s current digital habits. How is screen time affecting your child’s attitude, behavior and character? Maybe you’ve noticed your daughter is more withdrawn and moody since she’s been using a certain social media platform. If you are concerned, now is the best time to make changes. Expect your kids to resist (to put it mildly) when you take away or limit screen time. It may be hard for a week or two as your kids adjust but hang in there until a new normal is established.
Let’s say you realize you have made some mistakes with giving your child too many privileges or too little screen time supervision. Now is your chance to have a conversation with your child, perhaps beginning with an apology. Instead of blaming your child for being glued to a screen, admit your responsibility in the matter. “Mom and I have been thinking about this and we didn’t realize how addictive this game would be and how much money you would be spending.” You might start by restricting the game for one month and then follow up with another conversation and decision. Although your child won’t want to tell you, he will probably feel better when he starts sleeping through the night instead of gaming until the early hours.
Don’t be afraid to make unpopular decisions that are in the best interest of your child. Your goal as a parent isn’t to make your child feel good; your goal is to make him be a good person. Psalm 119:36–37 [SF1] [SL2] says, Incline my heart to your testimonies, and not to selfish gain! Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways. Selfish gain abounds online. It’s seen in goals like amassing likes and followers, purchasing stuff and more stuff, and adopting the mindset that everything in life exists to make you happy and comfortable. Worthless things like pornography and brain slop videos are being shoved in front of our children. As the parent, you can act to turn your child’s heart and eyes toward the Lord.
Think about the specific change you need to make this week and how you are going to present it to your child and enforce it. Communicate the new screen time rules with optimism and confidence. This is not a punishment; this is a mid-course correction that will bring life to your family. Be consistent in applying consequences. Consistency is what is important. It is what will help your child not grow resentful because of ever-changing rules. Also, make sure you are practicing what you preach.
Before going online, teach your kids to ask, “What am I here to do?” Maybe they are going to watch goofy videos for 10 minutes and then take a walk. Help them use technology as a tool, instead of being manipulated by it. Technology is sold as a way to help us reach our goals. But if we’re not careful, it can hijack them. Teach your kids discernment in using technology in a God-honoring way. Until they are mature enough to do that, delay addictive tech to give them the best chance of using it well in the future.
Arlene Pellicane is a speaker, host of the Happy Home podcast, and author of several books including Parents Rising, Making Marriage Easier and Screen Kids. Arlene has been featured on the Today Show, Fox & Friends, the Wall Street Journal, FamilyLife Today and Focus on the Family and is the spokesperson for National Marriage Week. Arlene and her husband James have three children and live in San Diego. They have raised their kids without social media, video games and smartphones and inspire others to scroll less and live more. To learn more, visit her website at ArlenePellicane.com
