Article
I don’t go to the gym very often, but I know enough to know that January 1st and 2nd are the gym equivalent of traffic in Atlanta. The gym is packed in January, but by February it’s a ghost town. Why? Because intentions don’t change, behavioral habits do. And habits don’t happen by accident; they are the byproduct of the culture of our churches and the culture of our homes. I’ve made my share of New Year’s resolutions over the years, only to watch them crumble under the weight of my failure to try hard enough. My good intentions to exercise were noble, but change happens from habits that result from a transformation in culture.
Good intentions are not enough to sustain change. In a series of studies, researchers from the University of Scranton followed 200 people who made New Year’s resolutions over a two-year period “Seventy-seven percent were able to keep their resolutions for one week. At a month, 64 percent reported success. That fell to 50 percent after three months and 46 percent after six months. Only 19 percent deemed themselves successful in reaching their goal when researchers followed up two years later.”
It seems that willpower isn’t enough to sustain change. Willpower is a muscle that gets fatigued the more it’s used. To see sustained change, you need more than willpower; you need more than good habits. Lasting change comes from accountability through meaningful relationships and intentional community relationships.
I started running in the fall of 2023. I had never run for more than a mile in my life. For those of you who have running friends but have never run, do not believe your friends. Running is really, really difficult. Before 2023, there had been many times when I intended to run. There were other times when I started walking regularly as a habit, hoping it would turn into a habit of running. It never did. What changed that fall? A runner became something I was rather than something I aspired to be.
The reason we fail to implement habits is that we have forgotten that habits are the byproducts of culture. In his book Habits of the Household, Justin Whitmel Earley, reminds us of exactly the same thing:
“One of the most significant things about any household is what is considered to be normal. Moments aggregate, and they become memories and tradition. Our routines become who we are, become the story and culture of our families.”
Your home or church culture shows up in what you treat as normal. As a non-runner, I considered walking or sitting normal. But when I became a runner, everything changed. What exactly? When I think back, I would say it was five specific things:
1. I bought running shoes and running shorts. I made an investment. I didn’t just say I wanted to run, I bought in. Over the years, I have spoken with many different pastors and ministry leaders. Every single one of them would say they wanted to disciple the next generation. Yet, when you ask them, “Where are you investing your time and money to make that happen?” there is less clarity and certainty. If you want to disciple young people, and you should, your budget should reflect investment in the next generation in the church you lead. In our homes, where we spend our time reveals what we think is most important. The habits you form over time, with intention and through repetition, create the culture of your church and home.
2. I asked running friends how to run. I needed a mentor. I needed a coach. I didn’t know how to run properly. I was running too fast, too soon. If I wanted to run a 9-mile race, I would need to learn to pace myself. We all need a coach. Michael Jordan and Michael Phelps needed coaches; you do too. If you are a ministry leader, we want to help. We will be launching Cohorts that will help you be a better discipler of others.
We would love to help you be better disciplers of the next generation. But if our Cohorts won’t work for you, find someone else who can help. If you are a parent, you need other parents who are further along in their parenting journey. Parents need leaders to lead them. We think parents most often don’t disciple their kids because they lack the resources. The truth is that we have more resources than ever. In reality, parents most often don’t disciple their kids because they themselves have never been discipled.
3. I signed up for a race and told others I was running. What kept me from quitting when running got hard was accountability. I stated my goal, and many people I knew, usually other runners, would check in on my progress. They challenged and encouraged me to keep going.
Pastors and parents need accountability. One of the questions I ask the pastors I coach and the parents I interact with is, “How is your own discipleship going? How is God showing up in your time with Him?” I ask ministry leaders and parents if their plan for discipling kids is working. Where are their challenges, and where are their wins? Pastors, you need someone who understands your discipleship model and goals and who holds you accountable for your faithfulness to your stated structure. You also need to help provide that accountability for parents — ask them how devotions, family worship or Scripture engagement is going in their home.
4. I trained regularly to meet my goal. I learned you can either experience the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. Growing in your ability to create a culture of discipleship in the church or at home requires discipline. Discipline is the fertile soil from which and in which habits grow. If you can’t stick with a plan and see that plan to its end, you will never experience the fruit you desire. You need to have a plan to make discipleship a reality.
In Forming Faith, we spend two chapters walking through a plan to help the church and the home form faith in the next generation. Practically, establishing a rhythm is crucial. Actively say: “Mondays are family worship night” or “This year our kids are going to memorize the Apostles ‘ Creed at church.” Specifics, not just aspirations, are what’s required. As someone once said, “If you aim at nothing, you will hit it every time.” We achieve significant goals by practicing intentional habits that build our capacity to model faith to the next generation.
5. I pushed through the pain. People will tell you there is a point in running where it gets so easy you feel like you could do it forever, a so-called runner’s high. I’ve never had that happen to me, ever. It was painful the whole time. There was joy in accomplishing something difficult, but running was never easy for me. Discipleship is not easy either. There are some people out there selling books and resources who, in essence say, “Our plan is discipleship made easy.” I have been discipling the next generation far longer than I have been running. And I have seen that discipleship is slow, difficult, painful and beautiful.
It requires us to spend time and invest ourselves in others in moments that are not always convenient. You won’t see the fruit of your efforts in days, weeks or months, but rather in years and decades. The best plan you can make as a discipler is not giving up when you want to — not giving up on people when they want you to. To patiently love people even when they push you away. To show up in their lives, be present and point them to Jesus over and over.
The best definition I have come across in my years of pastoral care and parental responsibility is by Eugene Peterson, who says that discipleship is “A long obedience in the same direction.”1 His words are so beautiful because they capture the essence of what we are called to do as parents in our homes and as pastors in our churches. It tells us that discipleship is not a quick program but a long obedience.
William Faulkner, speaking of the Psalms of Ascents, says something that I believe speaks to discipleship with such clarity. “They [Psalms of Ascents] are not monuments, but footprints. A monument only says, ‘At least I got this far,’ while a footprint says, ‘This is where I was when I moved again.’ ”2
God is calling us, as pastors and parents, not to build monuments to programs or styles of parenting that have worked in the past, but to forge a culture of movement in the same direction for the rest of our lives.
Sam Luce is the Director of ChildDiscipleship.com at Awana. He co-authored Forming Faith, writes at samluce.substack.com, and is a frequent speaker. A former pastor of 28 years, Sam holds an M.A.BTS and a M.A.CCS from Knox Seminary and is a current doctoral candidate at Western Theological Seminary. He and his wife, Sandra, have four children and live in Upstate New York.
1. Eugene H. Peterson, A Long Obedience in the Same Direction: Discipleship in an Instant Society (InterVarsity Press, 2000), Kindle Edition.
2. Ibid.
