Article
by
My earliest memory is the day my dad walked out on our family.
I’ve spent a lot of time ruminating on that, on what I didn’t have. So when my wife, Katie, and I got married and were thinking and praying about having a family, I thought, “I have to get this right. I have to be a different sort of father than the one who abandoned me.”
I think in many ways, I have done better than my father — not perfectly, mind you. Fatherhood has been infinitely harder than I thought it would be. Because it turns out that not leaving isn’t nearly all there is to being a good dad.
Looking at the big picture, in some ways, I was fortunate growing up. A disheartening number of kids never get an example of what it means to be a good earthly father. Dad leaves, and that’s it. No one ever fills the void.
But for me, some of the most influential people in my life were the ones who stepped into that space and showed me what a father can look like. Even the ones who didn’t know I was looking at them as an example helped to mold me into the person and the dad I am now.
And sometimes the examples came from dads I only met in stories.
- Josh McDowell once recounted the time he took his son Sean to a sports game and told him, “Sean, my love for you is more than all of the people in this stadium.” It was a genius visual for helping a young boy make something concrete out of something as abstract as the enormity of a father’s love.
The Parable of the Prodigal Son. The son brazenly asks for his inheritance in advance, sending his dad the message, “I want your stuff, but I don’t want you.” And the father says, “ok, you can have it.” - That had to hurt. The dad had to have been thinking, “How did my son turn out this way? This is not how I raised him to be … is it?” And the dad could have said no. For that level of disrespect, he could’ve disowned him. But he didn’t. Instead, he gave his son room to make mistakes and grow. And when the prodigal son returned, there wasn’t even an “I told you so.”
I’ve tried my best to parent with those stories in mind over the years, asking myself, Have I done all I can to express my love for my kids in ways they can grasp? Have I given my kids the space to make their own decisions … even the possibly foolish ones?
Because dad-child relationships matter.
Moms, you have such gifts and influence on your kids. But I have a hunch that most of you feel that weight. A mom’s sense of responsibility can be a force of nature.
But do dads know how much weight they carry in their kids’ lives? Because to be blunt, sometimes it seems like we don’t get it, or that we think as long as we pitch in on the house and finances, if we play catch, teach a firm handshake or how to change a tire, we’ve done the job. But if that’s where we stop, dads are selling ourselves and our kids tragically short.
The National Fatherhood Initiative tells us close relationships between fathers and children are associated with fewer depressive symptoms during adolescence, that children whose dads read to them develop better language skills, AND that kids with involved fathers are at lower risk for teen pregnancy and substance abuse, among other incidents.
So it’s no surprise fathers can also wield heavy influence on kids’ faith.
- Lifeway research shows that Father’s Day is the holiday with the single lowest average church attendance. This includes July 4th and the Sundays of Memorial and Labor Day weekends.
- Mother’s Day, on the other hand, has the third highest church service attendance, just after Easter and Christmas.
We could interpret it this way: If Dad’s ideal Sunday is one where he doesn’t go to church — and that seems to often be the case — the family doesn’t go to church. Promise Keepers and Baptist Press collected this corroborating data:
- If a father doesn’t go to church, even if his wife does, only 1 child in 50 will become a regular church attendee as an adult.
Dads have enormous influence on their children’s faith and practice. How do we steward it?
My kids are on the early end of adulthood now, so in some ways, it feels like we’ve “arrived.” In fact, just last night, my grown kids invited themselves over for dinner. Yes, there was food in it for them — but they wanted to hang out with me and Katie. That feels like a win. I know there’s still a lot ahead of us, Lord willing. Seasons and stages to navigate. It’s been and will continue to be a journey aimed toward lasting faith in Jesus.
That journey has now become a children’s book about a father and son living a life together. A journey where a father is not only present, but cognizant that the little moments can become big moments when a dad takes the time to relationally express his love to his child. It’s the first-ever picture book I’ve written. Will it be the next I’ll Love You Forever or Just In Case You Ever Wonder… I’ll temper my expectations. But it was a joy to create.
If my book could do one thing for one family, I’d pray a father and child would read it together and it would inspire them to start digging a little deeper beneath the surface when they play and when they talk. And that just maybe one fewer child would grow up unsure about whether their dad loved them. Because a father’s love matters more than you know.
Data on fathers’ influence on faith in the family:
https://www.barna.com/research/why-dads-matter/
https://nickcady.org/2016/06/20/the-impact-on-kids-of-dads-faith-and-church-attendance/
